Can a man and a woman be strictly platonic friends?

­­­­­­I was browsing through an entertainment magazine the other day, and while reading through the readers' comments section, I came across an interesting question one reader asked - can a man and a woman be just friends?

Coming across this question took me back to a date I went on a while ago. This same question was brought up by my date, who seemed to think men and women can never be mere friends. This is what I said to him then, and what I still believe today. 

I do believe that men and women can be friends; I really don't see why not. There will be complications, no doubt about it, which is why, as much as I think they can be friends, I don't think a man and a woman can be best friends, without any feelings getting involved, especially if they're both single.

I say men and women can be friends, because I have a few men friends myself. We might not be buddy buddies, but I have one or two with whom I am quite close to. Now things could get complicated if one or both of us become involved in our respective committed relationships. How do we maintain that closeness without shutting out our respective spouses? How will our spouses feel about our 'friendship' and how close we are? These are some of the complications that can come with platonic relationships between a man and a woman.

One major complication that could arise is a possible development of romantic or sexual feelings from one party toward the other. One one hand, The male friend can become attracted to the woman and begin to unconsciously expect some sexual development to occur between the two of them, and when this doesn't happen, they can get extremely disappointed, only to expect it again and again, and when all fails, becomes distant and eventually seeks solace from another female 'friend'. The woman in this case doesn't see him as anything more than a friend, someone she can talk to and share her feelings with, while getting his male perspective on things. On the other hand, it could be the woman who develops romantic feelings for her male 'best' friend, while he sees her as nothing more than a 'buddy' like one of his male buds.

So indeed, it can be a complicated relationship, but it definitely is possible to have and maintain one. It can't really happen, people have said. Men will always want to get involved with a woman who gets them to lower their guard enough to let her in, a woman who gets him to share his thoughts. We women already know how hard it is for men to do this. In fact it's downright exhausting for us women when we go through those emotional shutdowns! So it is understandable when they say men will always want to get involved with the female friends with whom they open up with. Others have also said there are only two reasons why a man would want to spend time with a woman: either to get physical with her, or because he has romantic feelings for her. But my argument is this: I don't see why a single guy would give a girl an ultimatum that's kinda like - either you and i get involved or you're not in my life at all. What if you both share a particularly deep interest in a mutually-liked subject or cause, but you find nothing attractive about one another in terms of chemistry or love interest? No romantic feelings, no pull, nothing.... Could it eventually lead towards that, in time? Maybe it could. May it won't. There really isn't any pairing or match-making law that says men and women should never be anything to each other if it's not for coupling and/or copulating purposes (the word copulating weirdly makes me think of insects and biology, not sure why)...

Then again, I'm only thinking all this from a girl's perspective, so I just may be wrong. Well, I might have to do a survey on what guys think about this subject...

So...all of these got me thinking today...

Til next time...

On words and weapons

I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day, and she was telling me about how awful she felt all week because of a verbal fight she had with a relative of hers (it’s okay, she has given me permission to make this reference on my blog). She told me how her relative had used his words to hurt her so deeply, so unnecessarily, so uncalled for. He hadn't cursed at her, mind you. He hadn't sworn at her, didn't call her names. No. His verbal abuse was in a different form.

His verbal abuse is the kind where references, innuendos and loaded phrases are made to degrade you, make u feel very very insignificant, very little, very unsure about yourself, very inadequate.

While I spoke to her, I thought, why not create a blog post out of this experience and share some encouragement with anyone who's been in this situation.
    So I said to her: don't let the negative words and negativity of anyone bring you down. Know who you are, and know that you deserve more respect, more courtesy than what you're being shown. You need to tell your abuser to stop. You need to tell him that you don't appreciate such harassment - because that's what it is, harassment.

Perhaps his words may not have come out the way he meant them to, but they were hurtful nonetheless.

Words can be just like weapons when misused. They can hurt like hell. Misused and misplaced words hurt worse than hell when they're coming from someone you care about. And it is easier said than done when we're told to shrug it off. But that's what needs to be done. We need to not let the words of others, especially the negative words, take us into that dark, eerie place. No matter what is being said, or how true you think it sounds, you've got to keep yourself afloat, keep yourself above that drowning feeling that threatens to overwhelm you and drag you into the pool of self pity and self condemnation.

You can be and do anything you want to be or do. This is not just a cliché or random famous quote. You really, absolutely can do whatever you want to be or do. I say this you as much as I am saying it to myself.

Yep, I tell myself the same thing almost every day, when everyday life problems threaten to overwhelm me sometimes and people's actions lead me to the path of great discouragement. I have to tell myself, I can do it. I can be that person. That person that I so long to be, that career path that I so long to take, I can make it. I can be it. I just have to believe in myself. In fact, I ONLY have to believe in myself, and that's all I have to do.
Oh, it'd be absolutely wonderful if we had the support of people we care about, especially if we had the support of family members. But, unfortunately, we live in a realistic world where we get constantly disappointed by everyone, even those we hold very highly. So it’s time we accept it as part of life, and move on past all the negativity. I pride myself in the way that I shrug off words that are said to me that do nothing to uplift or build me up. By all means chastise me, advise me, yell at me if possible for something I did wrong, but when negativity, discouragement and passive condemnation starts to seep through, that's when to draw the line and let it bounce off of me. That’s when I push back, until such aura is nowhere near me or my mind. It doesn't matter if it’s coming from a family member, a best friend, a boyfriend.

So I went on to tell my friend to have a talk with her relative. It'd be better for her to come clean about her feelings and how his words had affected her. She may not want to go all sentimental and appear vulnerable, but she can stand up for herself, and let him know that she would appreciate less negative words towards her in the future, and more encouraging words instead, if it can be managed. Talk it out, and talk it through, and move on spite of whatever the outcome may be.

Life is too short to let it be affected or manipulated by what people think about us or say to us.
Life is too short to waste time dwelling on what you think is not right about you. How about you spend time improving on yourself, learning new things about yourself, and arming yourself with the right equipment to take on the world and do exactly what you aim to achieve? 
No need to waste time trying to be perfect. Just be yourself, but be a better, improved and happier you.

That's what got me thinking today.

'TiI next time!

Can an introvert and extrovert relationship work?

I was reading an article the other day (yes, you all know i love to read anything and everything...well, not really anything and everything..But most things. OK, I’ll stop rattling off now), and the article was about the behavioral patterns of introverts and extroverts. and of course, the article got me thinking, and i thought, hah, why not write a blog post about this.

So what got me thinking was, can an introvert and an extrovert couple have a good relationship? Let’s talk about what an introvert and extrovert are. An introvert is one who is shy and reserved. Introverts are not timid, but are a self assured (some, at least) group of people that simply enjoy and thrive in their own company. They are not just shy and unable to speak up, so perhaps i shouldn't use the term shy to describe them, because being shy is akin to being nervous and somewhat anxious.  Introverts, as socially skilled as they may be, (or have been trained to become), enjoy dwelling in their own thoughts and exploring the inner parts of their mind and feelings. They DO NOT enjoy being in a large crowd. They may socialize for a little bit of time, but afterwards, they go on hiatus for a time in order to recharge and get their energy back - by being alone.

One thing to be clear about...introverts are not depressed, or sad, or miserable. When they go on hiatus, they are not sulking, or being moody, or non-nonchalant...no, when they want to be alone, it’s because they have to, so they can get back their sense of togetherness and stability, so they can get back the spark of recharge to their sense of being. See here for a full description of an Introvert - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html  

An extrovert is the opposite. They are buoyant, lively; they thrive in being around people, enjoying the company of a crowd. They love to meet new people, enjoy small talks, long conversations, and are quite active and very friendly. Now when you look at these two groups of people and their differing personality, you think, can these two personalities make a good couple? 

There's a saying that goes, opposites attract, and I think that saying is at least 98% accurate. I believe that introverts tend to veer towards extroverts when it comes to dating, because they need (without them even consciously realizing it) that expressive personality that'll draw them out of their shell, make them talk more, interact more, be more social. Extroverts, on the other hand, need that outside personality that can put a calm to their highly energized soul (when I say highly energized, I don't mean they jumping all over like monkeys that are high on drugs). Extroverted people are, most times, attracted to one who can balance them out, and push them to have some reflection time. This is why I do think these two complement one another, and in a relationship, you want to have that balance in interactions and communication. Not to say that two introverts or two extroverts can’t have a thriving relationship; I’m sure they can and they do. But I do think these two opposites are much better balanced.

Let's take a look at myself. I am an introvert all the way. The article from the link I mentioned above describes me to a T, I think. I'm quite social, don't get me wrong. I hang out with friends. Go to parties, have great conversations with people. But after a while? I go on hibernation. I'm not seen or heard from for a little while, and it’s not because I’m depressed, or going through a 'phase'. It’s because I need to get my breath back, to enjoy my own company and be back in the solace of my mind. I hate small talks; I just don't see the point of it. The way I see it, skip the small chit chat and get right down to business. I hate high volume clubs and extremely large gatherings. I can’t explain why or how all of this works, but that’s the way it is and how I’ve always been. I’ve tried to explain so many times to so many people who couldn't quite figure out why I shut myself away from the world periodically, but after a while, I kind of gave up on giving excuses or explaining myself to everyone. At some point in life, you just let people believe what they want to believe, as long as you know the truth about who you are, that’s all that matters!

So, back to the point about an intro-extro union...as an introvert I have found myself drawn to extroverts. Not to say that I don't find male introverts attractive, I actually do. But you'll find that with extroverts, it’s almost like they awaken that little part of you that seems to lie low because of the introverted, reserved person that you are. They make me talk more, express myself more, laugh at myself more, and take life a little less seriously. On the flip side, I make them more aware, more conscious of their thoughts, more in tune with their feelings, and more sensitive to the feelings of others. Over time, however, i began to experience a downside to this. I started feeling like i couldn't keep up. I found myself always trying to explain my moods, my thought waves, myself. Had to explain why I didn't want to come out tonight, or go to a third concert 2 weeks in a row. Or meet with his friends at that extremely crowded lounge, again. So this is definitely one of the cons of an intro-extro union.

With an introvert, there was so much he and I had in common, which was what drew us together in the first place. We didn't have to explain our individual hiatus-tendencies, didn't have to explain our need to just lie low and keep chilled, recharge, ruminate. But, overtime, i noticed that our communication became off, way off. When we're both in our own individual cocoon, it’s hard to know what the other is thinking, it’s hard for one person to reach out to the other person, because we're busy getting in touch with our individual feelings, and hardly noticing the other. Also, our social life began to sink faster than the Titanic! I will say again, this doesn't mean that two introverts cannot be happy together. Who knows, maybe my future mate will be an introvert and we'll get along extremely well, and have a fantastic, meaningful relationship, and have a dozen introvert babies.

So anyway, this article got me thinking a lot about these things. BUT, as much I do believe an intro-extro union will be compatible with and complement each other well, of course it makes a lot more than that to have a great, lasting relationship. Communication, mutual feelings, choices, compromise, sacrifice, trust, honesty, understanding, and again, communication...these are all some of the ingredients for a good, meaningful relationship, alongside compatibility. 

Perhaps I might write an in-depth blog post sometime in the future about the detailed life of an introvert, from my perspective, of course. We’ll see.

In the meantime, later, skaters.

Inspirational much....

So I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of things (is there really a time that I don't?). I've been thinking about how short life is, and how it is way too short to be wasting time on trivial and irrelevant matters. I like the way I tend not to take seriously things that shouldn't be taken seriously. In fact, I'm very generous in my thinking, and in the way I think about others. I don't judge, never too hasty to jump to conclusions, always ready for second chances and benefits of doubt. It irritates me a little when people take little things so seriously, or focus all their energy on unimportant and uninspiring events and details that are in no way adding to the growth of society or is in any form beneficial.

As I get older, I’ve come to realize that we have to live each day of our lives like it was our last. Let each day of your life be somewhat fruitful, both to you and to one person at least, so that if, God forbid, something fatal should happen to you, you can at least look back (perhaps in your ghostly state) and happily reflect on the good you've somehow contributed to society. Let us aspire to be legends, maybe not in the way of late public icons, but in our own unique way.

We've been brought to earth for a purpose; let's find out what that purpose is, and work as well as walk towards it. I believe each of us have multiple talents that's been given to us, let's find out what they are, harness it, and use it to touch lives of people; be it through music, singing, writing, healing (doctor), nurturing (kids), art, etc.

That's what got me thinking today...

Til next time...

On friendship...

Sometimes I wonder what kind of friend I am. I’m sure you wonder about that too regarding yourself. As one gets older, you find that it’s harder to make long lasting friends now than you did when you were younger. Or perhaps it’s just me who feels this way? OK then I suppose it’s just me. Indeed, upon reflection, i see that my current friends aren’t just friends i made a few months ago. Those that i regard as really good friends are those friends that i made both in high school and in my early university years. Why? I suppose it’s because these are the people with whom I have matured with in terms of emotional and intellectual growth. We've shared a lot of experiences together, both bad and good, and that’s what kept and still keeps our friendship going. Of course, friends, even good ones, can’t really know everything there is to know about one another, but I think, as we grow older, we've learned to tolerate one another and have at least attempted to understand our differences.

However, a lot people don’t have it so lucky. I read a novel the other day that resonated in my mind long after I was done reading. I won’t be mentioning the book's name here because this is not a review site and I don’t intend to analyze or examine the book's theme or anything. But the novel got me thinking about friends in general. 

Who are your friends, and what are they in your life for? 

  Are they in your life because of what they have to offer you/ vice versa? 
     Are they in your life so they can feel better about themselves /vice versa? Are they just passing through? Or are they there to stay for good? 

What exactly defines a true friend?

There are many phases and stages in life, and in each phase, friends come and friends go. Only the true ones stick with you at all times. Thing is, we might not even know who the true friends are until, somehow, by some misfortune, we lose them. It might be a little difficult to spot a true friend, but it shouldn't be too hard to spot a not-too-great one. Friends who are with you just for what you can do for them, are, to put it mildly, not so great. Friends that try to pull you down with them when they find themselves at their lowest are not so great. Friends who NEVER celebrate your success with you but try to find a failure in you, are not so great. Friends who never offer encouragement, support or compassion in any way or form, are not good friends. And finally, there are friends who are nice, even offer support sometimes. But then, somehow with their words, they try to suffocate, make you feel small, inadequate, unimportant, dull, and unintelligent. Those friends are most definitely not good friends.

Sometimes you may not know who your true friends may be right away. But you can eliminate those whom you think shouldn't be.

This is what that novel made me thinking about today...

LaterrR!